Simon Miller from The Miller Report. We all know him as a real man, with real lats, fresh from a real war on games journalists. Now, he faces his biggest challenge yet. Other games outlets are after him, the VideoGamer office is split in two, and the mysterious 'Operation Charles Martinet' is a go for next week.
But how did this all happen? How did the VG team become so divided? How did Miller and Burns inexplicably end up on the same team? And how did Jim wind up so over-worked? Let's recap.
At heart, Simon Miller is a hard-hitting journalist. He never dreamed of such things when he was a child. He was too busy deadlifting his teachers. But that didn't stop him from getting his own segment on a beloved but short-lived breakfast YouTube show.
When the heartless TV executives (Tom) pulled the plug, Miller had to adapt. He decided to go it alone. He made his own show, tackling the issues that mattered most to the game-playing people, like indie games and 'frame rate'.
"A lot of people think I investigated these issues for the good of the public," Miller said smugly, while doing some push-ups. "The fact of the matter is nothing could be further from the truth. Knowing the score, and therefore the truth, is a very special thing. Not every chuffster on the planet can understand it. I, however, am blessed with such an ability. The ability to see reality for what it is. The fact I then decide to bestow this gift on the world is a testament to me and the life I lead. I'm a hero."
The Roll7 interview didn’t go down well with Miller's superior, Steve Burns, who gave Miller one last chance to prove himself. Surely talking to international moustache comedian Rufus Hound would get the journalist into Burns' good books.
But chuffing Burns still wasn't happy, and for the second time, Miller found the carpet being pulled from beneath him. So he decided to lash out at whatever was annoying him most that morning. There was a toy squid in front of him, so he took a hammer to Splatoon, a game for babies.
Following this unprecedented attack, The Miller Report was exposed for the charade it really was, with Editor Tom Orry blowing the whistle on the "out of control" journalist.
"Looking back I wish I'd said more," VideoGamer.com Editor, Tom Orry, told me, a sadness in his eyes. "Miller is a friend and to see him become so obsessed with the truth, and war, and babies... I feel responsible. I mean, of course I take all credit for the success of The Miller Report, but is Miller still a good man? I worry he'll go the same way as Burns."
However, this raised tensions at VG Towers, resulting in a regrettable free-for-all breaking out between members of the team.
But in classic Miller style, he took care of business. He had a job to do. It was time for Gamescom, where he set about dragging every other games journalist's name into the mud.
When Burns saw what Miller was doing with the company, he decided he'd put up with this nonsense for long enough. He elected to finally get rid of Miller. For good.
"The problem with Miller is mass. There's too much of it for his frame to handle, and so it all travels upwards via his spinal fluid, like shite in an enema tube, to his brain, causing serious delusions and enormous aggression," Burns told me via satellite from St Neots. "Said mass also makes him hardy: I personally have shot him in the head from across the office with a service revolver given to me by Saddam and he's paid no attention to it at all. Remarkable."
Miller had other ideas however. He overpowered the despotic Deputy Editor, winning his alliance for World War III: The Battle for The Miller Report.
"This battle is more than just jabronis fighting each other" Miller said, attempting to sound thoughtful. "It's a war of respect. A fight for what's right. I don't like the fact I have to team up with Steve Burns, but in this instance, he's standing alongside greatness. We can't just sit around and let a bunch of nerds take over what's rightfully ours. We have to stand strong, flex our muscles and look like real men. If Gears Of War has taught us anything, it's that you never back down. And that you always put a chainsaw on the end of your gun."
But where do we go from here? Is Team Orry really dead? What does 'Operation Charles Martinet' entail? Does IGN really own a jet fighter?
Find out next week… on The Miller Report.
