Over the smoldering ashes of a West African village, our heroes Chris and Sheva have flown away into the sunset after unceremoniously firing a couple RPGs down the gullet of that toe-headed scamp, Wesker. As the rest of Resident Evil's rotating cast noisily stomps into the bullpen for the inevitable sequel, allow me to drop some steaming hot nuggets about what I'd like to see from Resident Evil 6.
Look, I'm not here because I want to babysit the President's daughter, or go traipsing around the world with beautiful, exotic women (Ew, girls) who want to slaughter entire villages with me. I'm not here to make a love connection. I'm here to see some messed up shit. I want zombies of all shapes and sizes – zombie people, zombie dogs, zombie plants, zombie sharks, zombie plants that shoot out zombie sharks – you get the idea. I don't need some NPC bogging me down, keeping me from taking in all the sights.
If I'm playing a Resident Evil game, I want one of two experiences. Either I'm a bad enough dude to save the President's daughter (alone), or I'm completing tasks in buildings created by MC Escher.
Though RE 4 and 5 had decent enough NPC comrades at my disposal, I just couldn't care about them. Sure, they weren't pants-on-head, but they didn't add anything to experience for me. They were just another thing to manage. Like watching my mom's little dog on the weekends, Sheva was alright to have around, but I didn't want to take her home and keep her (get your minds out of the gutter).
OK. I get that a large theme in Resident Evil games is that your character is never truly alone. The game's spotlight is generally shared by at least two characters, but there are other ways to implement that without making me feel like I've got a 3D rendering of a tamagotchi following me around. I like the way I could play Jill's story in RE1, then turn around and play Chris' story. It was a cool way to discover certain plot elements that were unclear the first time through.
Most importantly, Capcom, if you're to do anything about Resident Evil's plot, it's -
Perhaps the only thing about Resident Evil series more confusing than the logic behind the building layouts in Raccoon City is the story. The first couple of games started off with plots that were pretty straight-forward. You're someone stuck in/around Raccoon City, and you need to get the fuck out of Dodge because, zombies - let me tell ya, you don't want to hang around zombies. Bad breath, poor hygene, and the peer pressure is awful! It's like, everyone is chasing some guy, but I don't wanna chase some guy! I just wanna shamble around! But now there's a crowd after him, so I can't not chase some guy because I'll just look weird.
Anyhow, I think someone at Capcom started hitting the sauce pretty hard somewhere around the release of Resident Evil 0 because that's when things started getting real. And by “real” I mean “weird” - even by Japanese standards. In this game, it's revealed that some zombies are made of – wait for it - leeches. The first time you'll learn that , it goes something like this: hey there's a pile of lee- HOLY SHIT THEY JUST COMBINED INTO A ZOMBIE! At this point, I put the controller down because you know what? I'm gettin' too old for this shit.
Did someone at Capcom start getting big into alternative medicine, and this is their way of selling hirudotherapy to the ignorant masses? Because, let me tell you, Capcom, even after seeing the regenerative benefits provided by a stack of slimy blood-sucking worms, I am still not excited about the positive effects of leeching. Call me crazy.
More to the point, the Resident Evil series has a tradition of one-upping itself in the weirdness department – and it needs to stay. The B-movie madness of everything about Resident Evil's plot is the game's strongest charm. If you are so inclined, after you've read this article (it's a good use of your time, trust me) go play the series through from the original, all the way up to Resident Evil 5. Find out for yourself. If you love kooky shit (if you don't why are you playing video games) you will be completely satisfied.
You know what's not so satisfying?
Quicktime events are done. Dead. Kaput. Finished. OUT WITH THEM! OUT I SAY! Thanks.
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