Review: Dead or Alive 5

"Oh, come on," my younger brother laughs while spectating my first play through of Dead or Alive 5's story mode. He gestures up, pointing to the screen where Tina's breasts don't just jiggle, but actually seem to move like the tide. "I'm a 16-year-old boy and even I think this is ridiculous." 

It takes a second for this to click with me as I'm not sure if he's referring to Tina's heaving bosom or the actual story we've say through so far, but giving Tina a second glance it becomes clear -- Tina is standing perfectly still, yet her lady fruits roll on as if there's been an earthquake at the market. 

Let's just cut to the chase: jiggle physics is back in Dead or Alive 5 with a vengeance. Forget the perky, bouncy and even excusable days of Dead or Alive 2, if DOA5 manages to make any statements at all, it's that there is too much of a good thing -- and if that means anything it all, it's that all is well over at Team Ninja.

In the words of Cracked writer Seanbaby: "Crumple up that screenplay you're working on, awesome 8-year-olds," because Team Ninja already made it into a game.

The story itself is just as nonsensical as watching Helena's large and assuming heavy breasts part and sway in the breeze. While all characters featured in story mode have their own daytime soap opera worthy sub-plots and motivations for being involved in this cacophony of violence and ninjas, the mainly story seems to be centered around redhead ninja-girl Kasumi's nearly endless struggle to stop her weaponized clone once and for all. Kasumi isn't the only one with clone problems, however, as the ominously evil MIST organization is creating an army of 'perfect' soldiers from her ninja friends. 

In the words of Cracked writer Seanbaby: "Crumple up that screenplay you're working on, awesome 8-year-olds," because Team Ninja already made it into a game.

It's not all bad, of course, despite cripplingly bad lines such as "Let's skip the foreplay." Story mode is actually a really great way to ease back into the series if you're jumping back in after a break as it requires you to do roughly three to four rounds as different fighters on the roster, meaning you can find your strengths and weaknesses with each character. It also assigns you optional 'missions' in each battle, requiring you to learn new moves and successfully hold them. It's almost like a tutorial without having to play a tedious tutorial level, but it can also be taken as a challenge to veterans. 

Although, if you're distracted by trying to complete the bonus missions and end up losing a round, you'll be treated to a wonderful 'defeat' screen where your character falls to the ground and pants heavily. The female characters tend to conveniently fall in a way that shows off the wondrous breast physics while looking extremely suggestive and gasp, pant and even moan with extra effort -- all while gazing at the camera helplessly. With the exception of perhaps one male on the roster, it's fairly obvious from the gender differences who this feature is catering to, especially given that it continues until you choose to press the continue button.

I keep mentioning the jiggle physics and the sexualization of DOA5 and I know, I know, surely I wouldn't play this game expecting anything but that, right? Well, that's entirely correct and I'm not surprised at all. As long as I can remember, DOA has been a pioneer in games that you don't really feel quite comfortable playing in front of your mother -- hell, DOA2 even stirred up some feelings in me during puberty that helped me work out my own sexuality. And you know what? That's okay. Well, okay, it is and it isn't, but DOA is unabashed sexuality. It's a playable pin-up magazine and I don't really think it's ever tried to be much else. 

My sole complaint with the jiggling in DOA5 is that it's so over the top it actually makes it a little bit hard to focus. If you aren't mesmerized, you're laughing because anyone with the slightest experience when it comes to breasts will be able to tell you that they just don't move like that. There were times where I questioned calling them 'jiggle physics' anymore because it was more of a flapping motion, or a waving like a mound of jelly in a wind tunnel. There's harnessing your gimmick and then there's going a wobble too far.

Otherwise, DOA5 is pretty visually pleasing for a fighting game. There's a large range of costumes and looks for each character, most of them are well designed. The sets are spectacular and even the 'quaint' in nature still manages to be detailed and visually nourishing. 

DOA5 actually manages to really nail incorporating environments into combat. Danger zones are slightly easier to access and are much more rewarding to the point where triggering one can flip the outcome of a fight upside down. Kick your opponent against the right section of the barrier and the entire structure will come crashing down, debris causing explosions on the streets below -- explosions that cause not on chaos, but extra damage to your opponent.

Combat is just as strong as it always has been, too, should you choose to harness speed or brute strength. Many characters have seen little change in their command list from previous installments of the series, but there's just enough change to keep the game exciting and fresh. Combat has excellent flow to it with moves and combos transitioning smoothly -- although not quite seamlessly in some characters. The speed really does make it a great multiplayer experience, though, complete with lots of shouting.

If you can move past the attitude towards women akin to that of a 14-year-old boy, DOA5 is actually quite a fun game. The visuals and attention to detail give me hope that one day, DOA and Team Ninja might be remembered for something other than bouncing breasts. 

The Verdict

Dead or Alive 5: 3 out of 5 Stars