Let's talk about megatons. On Monday night, Epic main man Cliff Bleszinski revealed "the worst kept secret in the games industry", namely: Gears of War 3. The internet exploded, and with good reason. We love Gears. We love its ball-busting blockbuster action and its gory chainsaw-splitting combat. Time to rejoice! But not without a hint of sadness. As we digested the various press releases and forum posts, we learned that Gears of War 3 will end the "current story arc". So, this is it. The end. Sniff.
So, we thought it would be fun to clash our Lancers and come up with a few fantasy endings to the Gears of War trilogy. They're not serious (well, Tom's is - that's all he knows), so don't spam us with "that's dumb lol you noobs" comments. All you have to do is sit back, enjoy the read, accept that THERE MAY BE GOW2 SPOILERS! And then give us your own fantasy endings in the comments section below.
As we've seen from the debut for Gears of War 3, hair appears to be a big deal; Dom's got a beard and Anya has flowing golden locks. This is purely a teaser for what will be a very different Gears of War experience. In a bold attempt to prove that Unreal Engine 3 can realistically model hair, Epic will create a finale in which a Lambent Locust grows mutated hair that surrounds Delta squad. Only by letting it grow to an obscene length, in turn bringing the Xbox 360 to its knees and slowing the game to a few frames every second, will Marcus be able to pinpoint a shot through the skull of the now hairy monstrosity.
After reviving Maria with Optimus Prime's Matrix - giving her the power to transform into a motorbike (Arcee style) - Dom rides his wife into the heart of the Locust nest. Not to be outdone, Marcus is already there levelling up in order to evolve into Pikachu. "Pi Pi Pi PIKACHU!" screams the former COG grunt as he launches an electric bolt attack on a Lambent Brumak, spraying Dom's freshly shaved face with imulsified innards. In a shocking turn of events, the Imulsion mutates Dom into Christopher Lambert (of Highlander fame), who then shouts: "There can be only one". Lambert runs over to Pikachu, chops of his head, and then rides off on Maria to the tune of Queen's 'Who Wants To Live Forever'. THE END.
Dom is going to die. No one agrees with me on this, but lately he's become a goddamn sulking bitch. Just look at the trailer for Gears of War 3 - he's sporting some kind of "I've hit the bottle because my wife was forcibly taken and turned into a horrible zombie mutant" beard, and he basically just lays down and accepts his fate before Marcus comes in to save the day. Marcus, on the other hand, is going to end up riding into the Locust base - with Anya under one arm, and the reins to that new tentacle beast in the other. Cole Train and Baird will come charging in after them on Dizzy's latest mega-tank, completing the team that will make the final assault. The last kill will, of course, be made my Marcus - and it will be a head stomp. A head stomp to end all head stomps. I'm talking slow motion, insanely detailed gore here. For some reason, I have always pictured the locust leader to look exactly like Ann Robinson - my fingers are still crossed.
Past differences are put aside as a new threat destroys all the waist-high walls in the universe. Locust and COG bears alike realise that without waist-high walls they have nowhere to hide while they empty clip after clip into each other as they wait for each other's enemy to die. So! Yeah they team up to destroy that spindly thing which doesn't care about cover because it lives in the ground and doesn't even need a gun, because it can swallow big, burly, hairy men (and their alien counterparts - big, burly, scaly men) in one gulp, without spitting them out. Then there will be a total love in and a new species will be created that rolls around on the floor while absorbing bullets like a particularly angry sponge with legs that also has an arse where its face should be. Probably.
After finally putting an end to the Locust horde, Marcus, Dom, the Cole Train, Baird, and Anya sit down for a rest. They twiddle their thumbs. They feel a bit hot. With the Locust defeated and Sera saved, what else is there to do? They take off their armour and get jiggy with it! Now, with only one lady to spread across the gargantuan loaf of bread that is Delta Squad, the blonde-haired one takes some punishment. Dom has reservations, of course: Maria's his childhood sweetheart, but needs must, you know? It's been a long war. Baird, too scared to get in on the action, sulks in the corner power wanking himself to sleep. Cole Train, slapping some Imulsion onto his Lancer, screams "choo choo!" as he enters Anya's Emergence Hole. As for Marcus? Well, he's at the front line of this battle-scarred spit-roast. As he expends his clip, he whispers to himself: "Nice." Then a Lambent turns up, and its tentacles make things really interesting.
"Fenix climbed back into the APC and drove off down the hill. What did it matter where you lay once you were dead? In a dirty sump or in a marble tower on top of a high hill? You were dead, you were sleeping the big sleep, you were not bothered by things like that. Oil and water were the same as wind and air to you. You just slept the big sleep, not caring about the nastiness of how you died or where you fell.
On his way back into town Fenix stopped in a bar and had a couple of double Scotches. They didn’t do him any good. All they did was make him think of Dom, and he never saw him again."
What's your fantasy Gears of War 3 ending? Let us know in the comments section below.
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