Press X to kiss wife – why developers cant do romance

Oh look, it's February 14th! Guess it must be time for an obligatory Valentine's Day feature... without any further ado, here's our list of five titles that show why gaming just can't do romance. Also, we'll be reviewing each game on the basis of whether or not it lets you kiss your wife by pressing a button.

Heavy Rain

The biggest mystery in Heavy Rain isn't the identity of the Origami Killer – it's the answer to the question "What the hell is going on in the head of Madison Paige?".

Madison is ostensibly a photojournalist, but we never really see her writing or taking pictures. More bizarre than that is the fact that once she stumbles across a genuine, bona fide scoop – fugitive danger-Dad Ethan Mars – she immediately falls in love with him. I understand that she's suffering from insomnia (according to a swiftly-abandoned subplot) and so her judgement might be affected, but even so, he's hardly a catch: he's miserable as hell, may have mental health problems, and has a habit of losing his children.

On top of this, Madison usually runs into him right after he's been tortured by some form of physical trauma, leaving him covered in hideous wounds. As Ethan also makes no effort whatsoever to seduce her, I can only conclude that she has a fetish for missing fingers and electrical burns.

Actually, electrical burns are pretty hot. Mmm, you smell like cheap bacon!

Press X to kiss wife? Absolutely, Heavy Rain is the Godfather of the sub-genre. You can kiss your wife, help her with the shopping, and even slam plates onto a dining table, resulting in simulated disapproval.