Dear Spies: Get ready to dominate novice backstabbers in Assassins Creed: Brotherhood

by WiNGSPANTT - 5 1651

Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood is the newest iteration in the sci-fi-historo-fantasy series by Ubisoft in which players help a man named Desmond retrace his family tree. While geneology might not be appealing to everyone, I’d bet a Golden Wrench you’d be planning family reunions left and right if you discovered everyone you’ve ever been related to was actually a badass assassin.*

While it's no Eternal Reward, this should suffice.

Of course, Desmond’s historic research is a little more interesting than digging through library archives and matching up dusty birth certificates. Using highly questionable science, he’s able to relive the memories of his ancestors in a virtual reality playground, experiencing all of their grisly, assassin-y encounters in real time. Also, there’s something about all monotheistic religions being evil. Also, the entire history of mankind is a lie. To make up for this mind-shattering revelation, you are given an awesome hoodie.

But, headwear aside, Brotherhood adds something new to the single-player stab-happy equation: online multiplayer. Online multiplayer with backstabbing. Online multiplayer with disguises and backstabbing. Is… is any of this sinking in?

Let’s just put it this way:
On November 16th, Disciples of Artemis everywhere are going to wreak havoc on the Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood population.

All those weeks, months, and years you’ve been practicing staying out of sight and timing the perfect moment to strike? The countless practice at reading your opponents’ movements and taking them out when they least expect it? Your honed attunement to danger, living for the thrill of the chase, the glory of the final strike? It’s all been in preparation for this. And the kicker? There are no fucking Pyros in Assassin’s Creed.

There are, however, prostitutes. It’s every Frenchman’s dream!

Bien sûr, there are many other differences between AC:B and TF2. For starters, everyone in the game is a Spy. This means that, at any given time, there are just as many people hankering to deliver involuntary acupuncture to you as you are to them. Of course, there are also hundreds of NPCs. Do you blend in with them? Use them as a distraction? Is one of them an enemy? AC:B rewards players who pull off more stylish and stealthy kills, so it’s probably best you avoid strategies like “throw bombs into crowds of peasants.”

While I don’t have a perfect understanding of the game yet, previews indicate there’s a lot to love, especially if you were a fan of Assassin’s Creed 2 (hint: you should be). There’s espionage, tension, murderous hilarity, and all manner of unchivalrous chicanery. Next week, backstabbing becomes a way of life for millions of console gamers. I think we, as masters, as obliged to leverage this opportunity to introduce these novices to the true meaning of “haha that idiot thought he– wha- what? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

*Then again, all the more reason not to diss your aunt’s potato salad.